looked through the tint, recognized a jack

I have been thinking about the upcoming election, and even doing some reading (at the expense of what I should be doing). I have come to the conclusion that Obama will win the primary.

There is no possible way this is a surprise to anyone who has A) watched the news, B) listened to the radio, or C) has a pulse.

But the question since super Tuesday last has really been less about who is going to win the Democratic primary, but *how* they’re going to win. So far it has been cordial; both Hillary and Barack have both been pretty respectful of the other’s space, and they have not really been all that negative. Even that stupid mailer that Hillary turned into a press conference yesterday didn’t really make this campaign all that vicious. But the issues aren’t what is going to spell disaster come the general election.

Looking back to the election of 2000 without placing blame (was it Al Gore’s fault,  Ralph Nader, or a corrupt system? The answer is none and all, by the way), there was an extremely divided electorate. Historically, dating all the way back to the John Birch Society, this division had been decades in the making, and (again, without turning this into a blame game) it was engineered by Republicans. With politicians like Cheney, Rumsfeldt, and a few others I don’t care to google running the backchannels of political imagineering, what we see now is Republicans extracting the spoils of (the Cold) War. An executive with unlimited, and often unchecked power. One that laughs in the face of a challenge to that power (as evidenced by the whole Attorneys General thing), and feels that they are the sole executors (pardon the term) of what it means to be America.  It has been like that for the past eight years, really, and no one has sought to do much about it besides make noise and whine.  But I really do digress.

The point is, starting some 35 years ago, politicians and the people around them in the conservative wing decided that if they made a stark contrast between themselves and democrats, in the end they  would have the numbers and prevail in the general elections. But now the field looks different– or does it?

Despite the fact that Obama is winning with a message of “change”, this is really going to be the same politics as always come the general election. The bottom line is that despite the fact that John McCain is about as conservative as it gets,* the fact that he can stand up for what he believes in (no matter how screwed up) is an attribute that will score him more than a few independent votes– the same votes that Obama is drawing from to win primaries in red states that have open primaries.

if the fighting in the Democratic primary gets ugly, then watchout. The general election will be just as it was in 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, and even 2004– the battle for the independent vote. And it will be close (though not as close as 2000. But it will probably take more than a couple of days, I bet, to even declare a winner). Because winning isn’t all that matters in American politics; winning pretty gives you longevity.** My only hope is that by November, Obama’s 15 minutes aren’t up.

*the only reason people say he is not conservative enough is because the Christian Right has mobilized their grassroots machine and indoctrinated everyone into thinking that being conservative means cowtowing (sp?) their politico-religious demands. Ironically, in the general election, overcoming this streak of integrity McCain has will be Obama’s biggest obstacle in November.

**Barring, of course, unforeseen terrorist attacks on National Monuments in the middle of the most populated cities in the country. Then, for the short and long term, all bets are off)

botched! Now with kittens! Rainbows coming soon!

I thought maybe I would try to think positive. I suppose it is working. I’m happy about my project, even though I still can’t fully articulate it to those asking me about it. I’m alright with my courses, although the reading course is a bit out of my wheelhouse/area. I also get the feeling like the stakes are extremely high everywhere I go in seminars, when I know for a fact that at this point, they are extremely low. So what am I to do, when people keep telling me I should be afraid? Should I actually be afraid?

 This may have been a problem in weeks past, but no longer. I’m like Wayne Brady: I just don’t give a fuck. At the same time, though, I would hate to piss off people who can make my life miserable. 

Unfortunately, that is the only way I know how to live. I’m like Maverick, in Top Gun– the guy who always pisses people off and gets in his own way– but much, much geekier. 

worst mood ever

I am in a pissy mood today. Usually my moods are dictated by teh way I feel about the things that are important to me, but right now its the little things that are really frustrating, like work. These little things shouldn’t be bothering me, but who says my moods have to make sense?

You shouldn’t read unless you want to be bored.

 Let’s start with right now, and work our way back:

1) right now there is a man here talking on his cell phoneabout getting his car towed. He is not a gues here, he just wants to hang out here for a while. So, he he is, in a lobby that echoes like the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, talking about how his car is messed up and that they better get out here. Now he is talking to his girlfriend, I believe.

2) if you do not own a credit card, you may not make a reservation here. This just seems unfair. What if you don’t trust the credit card companies? What if you don’t like being charged 20% every month? Too bad, this hotel does not welcome you. Fuck you and join the 21st century.

3) I have to charge credit cards $25 two days before you arrive. You aren’t here yet; you still might cancel. In fact, when you arrive, you may (and you usually do) change the credit card you are using to something else. So what, when you do that, I just have to go back into the system, give the money back to the original card, and then charge the second card. Most hotels do not charge the credit card before you arrive, because at good hotels, we at least pretend that our first priority isn’t emptying your pockets. There is no such pretension here.

4) If your credit card does decline, or there is some kind fo problem with it, we call you so we can charge your card before you get here. Then we email you to make sure you got our call. Then we print out the email to make sure we have proof that we both called and emailed you. We are very into protecting ourselves. Our email states: “your credit card declined. You do know that you need to have a valid credit card to reserve your room?” Translation: “Look, you fucking cheap, irresponsible asshole: we want your money now. We need your money now. Do not stand between us and your money, or we will take away that which you want, which is a place to stay while in Santa Cruz. Asshole.”

It just seems like there is a nicer way to go about it without constantly reminding the guests (although here I think they call them meat-puppet-ATM-machines) that they mean nothing to us, and that all we want is their money.

5) When someone calls and asks for information about blocking rooms for a wedding, you should answer their questions. You should not avoid their phone calls and make someone else tell them that they need to give us a fax number so we can send them the form and make them fill it out themselves. ”Oh, you don’t have a fax machine at home? That’s strange. Well, go fuck yourself.” (Note: This wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t the one who had to do this because our salesperson doesn’t like talking to people. Seriously.)

6) I have to wear a uniform. I do not wear my uniform. I get asked to wear my uniform. I tell them I will wear my uniform, and then do not. It’s totally my own doing here, but it still annoys me that I have to do it.

7) People who love telling me about the elephant seals after they make a reservation over the phone, despite the fact that I have about fifteen people in the lobby waiting to be helped. Of course, the person on the phone has no way of knowing that the world does not revolve around them, but still- the dirty looks from people in the lobby are difficult to shake.

I think that about covers it for now. Hopefully soon I will be writing a happy post about the upcoming election, and my prediction that in a stunning re-reversal of fortune, John McCain will lose the nomination despite holding a commanding lead, and it will be an Obama-Huckabee general election, which despite the friendly rhetoric of the candidates, will end up being more of the same kinds of politics that they both promise to change. Or maybe I’ll just bitch some more.

too much

There are two things that have been going on in my head lately, and both of them have to do with my current academic situation.

I’l just say it: I have been thinking about leaving.

 This should be nothing new for the two loyal readers of botched illiteration; you hear me say this, oh, I don’t know, about once every four months or so. The truth is, I usually end up using this space to try and convince myself that I don’t want to quit, that I actually enjoy doing what I do, and that in the end, my presence within the profession will be a positive, rather than a negative. I also usually end up hearing from both of my readers in the comments section, urging me to stick with it, and that my presence blah blah blah, blah blah blah. I always appreciate the support, don’t get me wrong, but it is just like it used to be when I was younger: people could tell me that I was smart all day long, but in the end, it was only something that I knew in my head, and not really in my heart. I could never get over the hump, and when I did, it was really only a short hump– it was temporary, and the next day all of the insecurities and self-consciousness was back again. It was like the most boring rollercoaster ever– short bumps that were exciting, but mostly it was smooth sailing into an abyss of self-loathing and doubt. yeah, the ride is calm, but the scenery is hellish.

But see, believing that I can do this is no longer the problem. I actually believe I can do the whole grad school thing, and do it fairly well. I can only guess how much smarter and prepared I will be in the coming years, being surrounded by faculty and graduate colleagues from whom I feel I have so much to learn.

Also, what I will say about this place (graduate school) is that I like what I am doing. I love talking about history, debating, talking about about historical literature, what people are writing, what they are saying. For me it is not just a means to an end: I am just naive enough to think that what I (we) do actually means something– and for those who don’t know, I am just fine with naivete; all you have to do is remember how much I like watching professional wrestling on television.

My point is, the moment this stops becoming fun, the minute that I can no longer be myself– in class, in the classroom, or in professional or informal seminars– it would be time to leave. I do not strive to be an academic, I strive to be the person I want to be, and talk about the things I like to talk about. I could not care less about having the title of professor, I just want to have fun and keep learning. Even better, I want to have fun and challenge the way the people around me think.*

So what happens when it is no longer fun for me? What happens when I’m constantly told that what I want to do is impossible, or that forward progress in my career (however early) just isn’t going to happen?

It’s starting to get less fun.

Doubts about my ability, though, do not fuel my occasional unwillingness to continue. Well, most of the time. I may talk loud, but I have my fair share of “what am I doing here?” moments. Still, the main reason I think about leaving is when it looks like I will no longer enjoy what I do. And that’s just in the present. If I look further into the future and into the possible places I might be working one day, I can only assume that it will be a roll of the dice: will I end up somewhere nice, with people who I like to work with, or will I end up hating my job, trying to avoid going to work and dealing with my colleagues, and thinking that maybe I should just pursue a career writing academic books, like Mike Davis? I hope to all that is holy that it’s not the latter, because I am nowhere near as smart as that guy. I’ll probably be stuck writing childrens books with hidden acrostics that spell out SATAN IS YOUR FRIEND or something. And it will only be a matter of time before I get fired by my publisher, which would lead me, inevitably, to the hotel industry, where I will be your front desk representative (which is actually where I am as I write this post). 

 So the question becomes, why not cut out the middle-man and just work full time at the hotel (or, like I used to before I came here, full time at two hotels)? Given th eamount of stress I am under– some of which is self-inflicted– I must say that it is tempting. I mean, working at a hotel, all I have to do is make someone happy for an evening or two. In academia, it is almost like people dare you to satisfy them…and take pride in being difficult to satisfy.

I guess this ends up meaning that no matter how much I want to do this for myself, in the end I have to do it for other people– the people who control my fate.

Thank you for calling the Hampton Inn, how may I help you?

*Do I ever do this? Sometimes, maybe, but what I’m trying to say that I want to do it, I want to try. 

This about sums up my trip to St. Louis

I took a few pictures while in St. Louis, but only one of them actually made it into my digital camera. I’m just not all that technologically savvy, I guess. It seemed simple at the time: turn on the camera, push the button, and watch the magic happen. Not so.

Here is the picture:

you don’t need to tell me

Of all the places I could have chosen to study, why St. Louis? Usually I have a pretty good, thoughtful answer, but today, not so much. Yesterday everything was closed. Something about snow freaks these people out. All of the universities were shut down (Washington University, Saint Louis University, and University of Missouri), the city public libraries were shut down, and the county public library was shut down.  Unfortunately, the archives are shut down over the weekend, which gives me exactly one day to look at all three archives and visit the woman who has a lot of info for me. I went to the International Institute yesterday, too, but it was also closed.

All that was left was to find a Mexican neighborhood and ask people some questions. I found some places, and they were open, but no one seems to know anything. Shit, I even went to the St. Louis Visitors Center, but when I asked whether there was a Mexican part of town, the guy at the desk didn’t understand me. At all. After a few minutes of struggling to make this guy understand what I meant, I asked him where a good Mexican restaurant was. After 15 minutes futzing around on the internet, he found a place that was basically a sit-down version of Taco Bell. It is almost like people are actively denying that they even know what a Mexican is, let alone whether they have ever seen one.

So today I went to the Historical Society, and they told me that they had nothing. After about four hours of searching their catalogs and archives, I had to agree. I still tthink there is something out there, maybe, but they closed.

So I actually went to the location where the Sociedad Mexicana Benito Juarez used to be, and all that was left was a house. A shhitty house, at that– and no evidence that it was even there. I’m wondering what else I can do.  I have a couple of ideas, so over a barbecue dinner, I am looking online for some things that might help me if I decide to go somewhere tomorrow.

ok. That is all.

so, the first day is over

and the mixed results are in.

I found some materials that were useful, but more useful than the materials I knew were there were the ones that weren’t. I managed to get a bunch of stuff on ILL, and checked out some of the microfilm.

Sadly, there wasn’t much. But that’s alright, because a few discussions later, I went over to teh other archives housed at the university, and found some  old newspaper clippings that are  hopefully going to give me a link to some organizations  that might still be out there. I also found out from another archivist that there are some oral histories. I listened to them, and they were pretty close to exactly what I needed. The archivist agreed to make duplicates of the tapes,on teh condition that I transcibe them. Now, let’s be honest– transcribing is a bitch, but in the end, I think it is worth it, no?

Yeah.

Now for the problem: St. Louis is experiencing the worst weather of the winter. It snowed all afternoon, and as I look out the window tonight, the snow continues. In fact, it should snow all night tonight, and tomorrow there should be about 8-10 inches of snow on the ground. I am watching the local network on TV at the hotel room right now, and it is telling me that the university might be closed tomorrow. Unfortunately, tomorrow is friday, and teh archive is not open on the weekend. And I left my phone at the library.

Shit.

So right now the plan is to see if the school does open tomorrow, and head there for the morning. After that, I should be heading towards the public library, where they have some materials waiting for me. And that’s cool, unless the library is closed because of weather, too. It is my sincere hope that they are not, because that would mean that this whole trip was kind of a waste, except for maybe the historical society on Saturday. Which reminds me, I should check and see what their saturday hours are.

I have my camera with me, but I didn’t bring my cord, so I can’t show you any pictures. Sorry.

I’ve been saving babies from oncoming trains, not that it’s any of your business

Where have I been? You know, just doing, umm…whatever.

Actually, I’ve just been trying to get work done. Combine that with the fact that I lost my password to this blog, you have what I like to call “the makins’.”

But now I am in St. Louis, where it is about 27 degrees at 6pm. Tomorrow, as I am driving on unfamiliar highways, St. Louis is supposed to get about 6 inches of snow. Good god– it makes me think that maybe I should have gotten insurance on my rental car. Usually, it’s not such a big deal; I know how to drive in the snow. But even if I do everything right, being in a city where it doesn’t snow all that much makes people careless. Driving too fast is obviously out of the question, but driving too slow leads people to sliding into me when they are driving too fast.

I have to be clever tomorrow. Wish me luck!

I’ll try to update all four of you on my research at night…

this might explain the whole USFL/NFL thing…

I’ve never been much of a football fan. Actually, it wasn’t really until after I graduated high school that I became interested in any professional sports. Sure, I knew a lot about sports, but that’s just because I had to be able to speak in stereotypical manspeak because I was a) never quite smart enough to hang out and talk with the smart kids, b) never quite rich/cool enough to hang out with the punk/emo/skater kids (I just couldn’t get the right clothes, or the right rips in the clothes– after all, it was 1988), and c) I was never gay enough to hang out with the gay kids (although I was pretty involved in theater, so maybe I was).

So I had to know that George Foster had the most single season homeruns in the national league with 52 in 1977– it kept me alive. One of the other factoids I was aware of was that in the early 80s, Herschel Walker was awesome. he played for Georgia in college, but when he went pro he went to the USFL, an upstart pro league where he played for the LA Express. He later played in the NFL, for several teams (most notably the cowboys, behind Emmitt Smith).

My point isn’t to “wow” you with my sports knowledge, because it is really only impressive after a few beers, when standards for good conversation and apathy begin to whither away. I don’t really care all that much for this knowledge anymore, since I no longer live in the real world, instead spending my time where people fight instead with words, and even then not all that vituperatively. No, my real point in all of this is just to set up the fact that I am totally stunned that something from the sports world has caused me to say this on my blog:
WHAT.

THE.

FUCK.

Herschel Walker, the aforementioned professional football player has written a new book in which he reveals that he has multiple personality disorder.

(the following portion is written exclusively for Herschel Walker. All others may stop reading, go about their days looking at cute fuzzy animals on cuteoverload.com, or writing that paper they have been putting off for a week now)

Herschel:

Seriously, dude– greater men than you have admitted to doing embarrassing things in restrooms, hotels, or even their own bedrooms, and didn’t blame it on MULTIPLE-fucking-PERSONALITY-DISORDER. I’m not sure what insane piece of gossip is about to be reported about you, but its obviously big, if you are going the I-have-two-or-more-people-living-inside-me route. It’s creative, though, I’ll give you that. “Remember that time I ate my SuperBowl ring and put my feces in the trophy case instead? Yeah, that was my evil twin that lives inside me. That wasn’t me.” You’ll excuse me Herschel, if I’m a bit skeptical. It’s just my nature, I guess. But not very often do we have professional athletes claiming multiple personalities, unless you count “before the arrest” and “after the arrest” (you know, when they find God or whatever).* So here is what I suggest: stay with it– it’s working for you. How many books you gonna sell because of this? Probably a lot more than you would have, because I think most of the world– even the rabid sports fans– have probably forgotten about you. Which would have left only thirty-something geeks who used to get their asses kicked if they didn’t know that you led the University of Georgia to a national championship in 1980– and they probably don’t have time to read biographies because they are too busy trying to prove to the world (and those fucking high school geniuses who wouldn’t let me– ahem, them- on the academic decathlon team).

*for analogous professional confessions and conversions, please see televangelists.

not enough

with all of this talk about politics, elections, and primaries, I have begun to think that I am no longer a graduate student. Well, at least I am no longer a good graduate student,  because being a good graduate student (particularly in the humanities) means that electorally I have to attach myself to a hopeless party or political philosophy (in the early 90s it was socialism; the late 90s was communism, and today it seems to be anarchism. I’m sure tomorrow it will be something even more radical, like suffrage for animals. But I am parenthetically digressing) and plead ignorance to contemporary american politics because of their lack of engagement with the corrupt system.

If you were patient enough to follow the above, then I will say this: I am obviously a horrible grad student. Yes, I am interested in contemporary electoral politics in the US, because for all of the bullshit, it is real– no matter how much it isn’t real, if you know what I mean.

So what do we get out of the New Hampshire primaries? I mean, all of the pundits said that Obama was going to run away with it, and then– (insert triumphalist feminist march music here)– Hilary Clinton wins!

So the question is: who cares? I mean, we knew it was close nationwide, and that Hilary was even leading in national polls. How does it hurt the Obama campaign?

Well, without either candidate ever saying it (in fact, the only person who really did was Professor Dyson on Hardball)  race was just injected into the primaries. In fact, no matter how either campaign injects race into their campaigns, it will not be as profound as it was in the New Hampshire primaries.

Think about it: Polls before the vote in New Hampshire said that Obama had a commanding lead. The actual results were the opposite. What does this mean? Well, it may mean that someone is lying…and maybe that someone is the voter. Maybe they SAY that they will vote for a black presidential candidate, but vote instead for someone else.

My point is (maybe) that if Obama wins the primary, and becomes the presidential candidate, do we have to worry about people lying about their racial politics? And does this mean that (Republican candidate here) will win the general election?

Most importantly, is the fact that the American electorate lies about their racial politics a good enough reason to vote for Hilary instead?